december 12th, 2024

i have the strongest urge to create. and i keep gathering things in the hopes of sitting down to do... something but it's been proving difficult. it's nice, though, being able to finally point out that it's just the adhd. something i'm working on, but at the very least i can understand myself more. but, either way, i want to list the things i'd like to do in hopes that it'll... well...make me do it!

• punch needling - i'd love to make coasters for friends, but also make some sort of "pillow" with it.
• air-dry clay pottery - i have a set my friend gave me! i want to finally use it. i wanted to attempting to make something to feed my thread through.
• deco cards - i have sleeves! and stickers! and cards! and i want to relax a bit... make some cutie designs and feel nice
• commonplace journal - i have some stuff i want to stick in there. but, i also want to make a...
• junk journal - i love keeping cute things or having these sorts of memories in this abstract way
• journal - i just want to start journaling period. i was never god at doing it consistently, but i think it would be nice to write my thoughts down in a place no one else will see.
• fanfiction - i want to write fanfiction! i love it! i have so many ideas, but the motivation just doesn't stick... it's so frustrating.
• another shrine - i want to make another shrine, but everytime i sit down to do one it's like all my ideas vanish. it's like, do i even like anything? lmao
• play the sims - which is weird to put here, but i like to make stories and characters when i play. it itches that creative part of my brain.
• scrapbooking - i want to scrapbook! i have a film camera now and like, i feel like it'd be super fun to do?! and a great way to just keep these memories physically.
• mess with beads - i have a lot of gold chains and beads and such, i want to make something... maybe not to wear but to decorate with? something really cool and different

i think that's all of it for now... ah, what a list! well there's always tomorrow!

november 9th, 2024

what does it mean to grow up? falling into routine? does it take a job? are you not actually grown unless you start a family? or get married? or move out? it's tough. is it an expectation that you'll be giving away what you once loved in your youth? people naturally move away from them. but, i'm not really one of those people. but, in the same vein, i am. there's many things i no longer have or even care to have now that i'm older. there are things i don't care about anymore that i once did. but i'm still engulfed in a sea of plushies and dolls and figurines. i've got "cutesy" colors all over my living space. am i stuck in the past?

i don't actually think so. but, i do think there's such a thing as being too in touch with the child within you. sometimes, when i look at myself, i wonder if that's where i am. i'm healing my inner child, right? i have "adult money" and so, this is my duty, isn't it? no, not really. maybe i let her win too much sometimes. but, is that a problem?

is it a problem?

am i a problem?

... i'm being far too dramatic. maybe, perhaps someday it will become troublesome for me. but that day isn't today. i love my colors, i love my little trinkets. i love the curiosity of life. i love doing one thing, two things, many new creative things. i love that... i love that i have my own website. she brought me here, didn't she? she led me right to this moment. i rein her in, of course, but i like to let her free too. i'm not sure where this was supposed to go... funny enough, i had intended to write about the election. but, ugh, that's just too real for me right now. maybe in the next one. for now? i'll stick to hugging my stuffed animals for the night.

october 16th, 2024

i crave warmth. it isn't something that's constant, but it's something that's there. i feel it when my hand is close enough to another's, when my arm is a brush away, when knees are sooo close they can touch. it's like an itch to close the distance. sometimes, if someone truly is just close enough, i'll think about pressing my cheek flushed onto theirs. or leaning my chin on their shoulder. or doing... any other thing i'm sure any household pet would love to do to their owners.

most days, it doesn't creep up on me. in fact, sometimes i will move away from contact. i guess that's normal, right? somedays all i want is distance.

other times, when my arm or leg accidentally presses up against a stranger's on crowded public transportation or in a crowd, i'll find myself appreciating that body warmth. and i'll almost miss it, really, when either one of us finally moves away because who really wants to be pressed up against a stranger so much? and, anyways, it's not really the stranger. they're not as important as the warm. when i stand in front of someone with a broad upper body and i think, for a moment, how nice it would be to just embrace them it has nothing to really do with who the person is. it's just about how good it would feel.

touch starved is a word constantly thrown around. i'm not really sure if starved is the correct word... maybe... touch hungry? i need a snack size of touch? i don't know. but i currently have my dog's body pressed against my leg as she sleeps and it calms be better than any pill ever could.

october 9th, 2024

everyone should have queer friends. i believe that so strongly in my heart, as someone who found herself making such a loving group of friends within the community. it's absolutely refreshing to find and have a space that is different than the heteronormative. nothing opens your eyes more to just how gendered society is until you are within a group of people who live life differently.

to have been so surrounded all my life by people who valued this whole... husband and wife mentality; how you can't even "be friends with the opposite sex" and you almost have to see everyone as a possible suitor? it was exhausting, really. i never liked having my life revolved around that or having to play some sort of role of woman. all of it constantly felt like a show, like i always have to make myself desirable. not to mention, i didn't really know myself as much as i thought i did. or rather, i *hid* the parts of me i knew were there but didn't want to explore.

so, it was just so nice to be with people who had such values of friendship and found family. there is such an unapologetic energy about being so loving with one another. there isn't this fear of perception, that people will scold you for being "too affectionate". not to mention, the general exploration of the self. i feel much more free in being able to play around with my self identity. i'm not confined to what a store label says... or societal labels either. goodness, it's just so nice to be in a space where i don't feel like i'm the one who loves the other person more than they love me. i don't have to worry that i will suddenly be forgotten when my friend finds a partner. i don't have to hold back how much i truly care for someone because it's something i should "only do with my partner".

queer friends remind you that there is so much more in life worth living for and that you're never alone. there is no "but who's going to take care of you when you're old and sick?" my friends. because we're a family, because i'll be taking care of them too. it's so beautiful. it's really beautiful.

october 6th, 2024

romance is strange for someone like me. i'm not sure what my feelings are, when it comes to it. i have a phobia of it, but not of love but of what comes with it. to give myself fully to someone is... a scary task. the rejection is terrifying.

rejection is a horror for me. platonically, it's enough to tear me down and it has many times before. i'm always a stepping stone; the person in between your previous and next greater love. i was never worth being around for longer than was needed. whatever that need may be. i've had people who told me they loved me, end up leaving me as soon as better came along.

that's why romance to me is dread.

how am i expected to look for it? to want it, when it has never wanted me? it's not me who you want, but it's my prettier friend. who i'd never despise, i had more sense than that, thankfully! i'm the one you'd jokingly ask out. i'm my hairy legs, my unibrow, my mustache, my thick unruly hair. i'm obnoxious. i'm my sailor's tongue.

i've once been told by someone i was interested in, that they didn't see me being with anyone in my future. i think about that every so often... sometimes i wonder if he knew it would stick with me when he said it. maybe not.

and it's strange to have all of this happen to me, but also still feel like... is romance what i want? i know, already, that i'm amongst the asexual spectrum. but not wanting it... is it my fear? is it to cope?

when i have a crush on someone, i make them something more than they are in my head. i think i have a crush on the version of them i created in my mind. sometimes, i think i have a crush on someone because i think i should have one. like, i'm not married yet but this is the next best thing. everytime i've confessed, i've always said i used to have a crush, because it's not meant to be anything. you're not meant to tell me you don't like me.

or... maybe i'm not meant to have you? the proverbial you, i don't have anyone in mind.

i crave affection, of course. i think of it but i want it to mean something. not mean nothing.

this isn't going anywhere, i don't think. i'm not even sure what i want to say... i guess i just wanted to say. to just get it out there.